very_personal.txt

Content Warning: Abuse of minors, Self harm

I have only ever had one serious boyfriend. I loved him, I still love him, he broke my heart. He'd be pissed if he knew I still loved him. He'd be pissed if he knew I posted this but I am gonna, cus I need to. Sorry (thank god no one actually reads this)

I posted this with an anonymous reddit account to the page r/askgaybros. I saved the raw text under the name very_personal.txt on my computer and forgot about. Recently I have been going through yee ol closet and examining a bunch of stuff for whatever reason and I want to air this dirty laundry. So without further ado here's some high school bs of a relationship 

tldr: my serious boyfriend tells me he had cybersex sex when he was way too young and I say me too. He "dear johns" me two days later

This is a throw away account for this very long story/rant thing. Before anybody suggests it I am already seeing a therapist

When I was underage I went on line looking for, and ultimately got cybersex sex (technically this is the distribution of child porn in my jurisdiction, even if the pictures where only ever of me). I was closeted being raised a middle child in a 'uge Mormon family and had terrible self image (like every other teenager) and I just wanted someone to provide any kind of affection. Even if that affection was coming from predators. Stuff got pretty dark at various points and I ultimately stopped when I went to college and came out of the closet (I am 23 now). I kinda feel like I was taken advantage of and maybe even abused even tho I sill think I was in the driver seat the whole time.

I thought I had successfully compartmentalized this part of my life which I feel ALOT of shame for and moved on, but I wouldn't be typing this out if I had. 

My senior year of college I met George (not his real name) this absolutely beautiful and elegant man who was working as a student security officer in the same building I worked in. He had to wear this atrocious jacket and hat combo that did not fit him well as he is very tall. Definitely pinged my gaydar but I didn't know for sure till valentines day 2020 when I was depressingly scrolling through Grindr and saw him on there. Messaged him and we went on a date the next day. The relationship progressed right into full blown dating as the world went into COVID lock down.

We spent every day together, hiking, going on drives, moving from one comedy TV show to the next and I really fell head over heals for this schmuck. At the time I was thinking I was going to move across the country for a job so at the end of the school year we broke up. It wasn't easy but we both felt like it was the right thing to do.

We kept sending memes talking about the normal bull crap so the relationship stayed amicable. The job I was going to move away for fell through so I decided to go to grad school at a different college in the same state. By the New Year George and I where seeing each other on a regular basis. He really would make my heart sing every time we where together and I was again in love with this dingbat. It didn't feel anykind of toxic and for the most part healthy. We would miss each other when we where not near but would go about our seperate lives.

By the spring we where taking regular road trips to national parks in the region and started to talk about moving into a more "serious region" of our relationship (meeting parents and what not). Also by this point we where talking about the skeletons in our pasts and what we wanted todo and who we wanted to be in the future. We agreed on all the major long term relationship things (kids, professional lives, locations we wanted to live, etc) and I really was getting excited about building a life with him.

In mid June I had a week between the end of classes and the start of an internship and we where planning on spending the whole week together. He invited me to meet his whole family at a graduation party for his sibling which went wonderfully. He came back to my place and we started having a well earned stay-cation with each other.

By the third evening we where lying in bed talking to one another and I honestly don't remember how the conversation got to this point but George ended up saying, "You know when I was 13 or so I went online looking for cybersex sex." [nobody actually uses that word as its incredibly dorky but its a descriptor]. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had never told anyone and never heard of anyone else doing this before. I was almost excited to bare my soul to him and thanked god for bring me this almost too poetic situation. I said, "me too." We looked into each others eyes and for the briefest of moments I felt serenity, and that I had found my one (something I had never believed in before).

That feeling had no sooner washed over me than he started to cry. At first I thought it was a healthy cry but it soon was accompanied by a fearful shiver and painful whimpers. I held him as a shook and shook until he jumped out of bed and began pacing the room. I watched in shock as what is normally the cool, calm, and collected person I knew gave way to this frightened and scared boy. He then suggested he spend the night on the couch and I could do nothing but give him his space. After I shut the bedroom door I collapse and cry on the floor and I knew that something really really bad just happened.

The next morning I wake him up and while he is back to what on the surface is his normal self, I can see in his eyes he is incredibly scared. George then says "I think I am going to go back to my dads place." Again I know that the only thing I can do is trust that he knows what he is doing and do what he requests of me. No amount of whining or asking him what happened or anything else will alter the situation.

Within five minutes he has packed up and I am walking him down to his car. As he walks across the street he looks back at me and says "John [not my real name] I really do love you, and I'll call you." He makes a four point turn at the intersection next to my apartment and drives away into the crepuscular gray.

He kept his word and two days later I got a call from him. I thought this was us getting back to normal or whatever, and started the conversation off by talking about the fucking weather. He interrupts and says he wants to end things. As I am sobbing into the phone I ask some highly accusative questions with blatant insinuations that he is a liar, and a bastard. At one point he is mid answer and I just hang up.

We later exchanged some letters and I can say that I am no longer angry at him. He asked that I keep them private from everyone so I can't get into them in detail but I will say he has a lot of traumatic stuff in his past, and he said that he had idealized me, and when he realized I have my own cat shit back there, I guess the image shattered.

Obviously I don't want to be idealized and I know that the relationship wasn't long for this world if he indeed had. Also the fact that it was able to go from "man I think I wanna marry this idiot" to completely gone in less than three minutes isn't a good sign.

For the longest time the things that I did when I was so young made me feel truly like an evil person. And while I might not feel evil anymore, I feel pathetic, and shameful about it. My therapist keeps trying to convince me that it wasn't that bad but the fucking data speaks. I lost the best relationship of my life because of it. I had never felt the way George made me feel. My cup was full and I felt loved physically, sexually, romantically, emotionally and in any other way that one can be loved. This was the first time in my life that the constant internal dialogue fell silent and would happen whenever I was around him. I saw a stable and lasting future with him. Not immune from problems, or any kind of happily ever after BS, but a deep and lasting friend who could help me conquer anything while I did the same for him.

I keep thinking that this is god punishing me for my transgressions. This is my just penance for my crimes. I must lose a person who made me believe in true and unadulterated love in a way that my parents, friends and family never did. I am pretty sure the relationship is over and I am so fucking scared that when I open up my soul to the next person I am in love with, history will repeat. Am I damned to keep this a secret between random joes on the internet and my therapist?

I don't know what I am asking for, I don't know what I need, I am pretty sure I am getting ready to explode and I guess I hope that writing this will relive some pressure. I am getting drunk every night. Some of my insecurities that I had dealt with long before I met George have reared their ugly heads. I find myself praying that he will walk back through my door when I know he isn't. Every day he doesn't, I die a little more inside.

If you had the patience to read through all this BS, than from the bottom of my heart, thank you. While I have friends and family current events mean alot of theos who might accompany me in this suffering are gone and I have to walk alone right now. Whatever happens I know I am going to be ok someday, but right now I am just in so much pain and I really don't know what to do other than try to forget about him and move on which almost seems too hard.

Love you J, you're a rat bastard but I miss ya.