Shave?

This is a series of journal entries I did for a week at the behest of my therapist. They have been edited for formatting and flow as I wrote them on my phone. They document my thoughts and feelings around shaving specifically and euphoria/dysphoria as well as generally for a week (it ended up being 6 days).

Nov 11

Pre Shave: 2.5 fine, I guess, like its not unbearable or anything just feels awkward

Post shave: 3 better but not by much, I can still see the coffee grounds on my face

Post makeup: I put makeup (foundation only, full face) on and as I was i was happy but I kept trying to do self analytics, made me kinda panicky. Going against the don't "think do mantra" will look when I calm down

5! Holy fuck SHIT I look so good! I keep looking and doing that dumb little giggle

About to take makeup off: day has gone great i take every chance to look at myself in a mirror I get. Some guy at the thrift store asked if I played basketball; when I gave him a look he then switched it to volleyball 

Makeup off looking at face: first ping is ew who is that, second is oh well im still cute, still got my hair. I dont wanna keep looking at myself. Practiced some gratitude and I feel better not very decent tho 1.5 - 2

I'm at a friend's birthday party, some boys are playing beer pong in the garage and some gals are chatting at the table. One group feels impenetrable and like I wouldn't be welcome. The other feels slaven and like a lie, so I sit alone with the dog and the music

Nov 12

Day note look disheveled and awkward. My apartment is a mess so I think ill work on cleaning it up. The last few days have been hard but I'm gonna try and get myself in a better mood

Pre shave, I really looked at myself something I usually end up doing in short spurts. Felt my face and touched it, felt the scruff and looked into my eyes. My eyes are pretty and hazel I like my facial structure, overall I think im cute and pretty. My face doesn't feel like a mask but it does just feel awkward, like I smile and I can recognize its me, I can even think, "oh what a cute smile and nice face he's happy" but something just isn't quite right 3/5

Honestly sometimes when I take off my glasses and lose fidelity that feeling goes away

Post shave everything looks more managed but visually it doesn't seem like much has changed. Physically I like touching my skin in and rubbing with the grain. I hate pulling the other way. Im gonna avoid makeup today see if I can fem present comfterablly without

Update: everytime I see my self with the stubble I just look like a man in a skirt with a cute top. Its a bad juxtaposition. I think im just gonna be masc the rest of the day

Try 2 no makeup, stubble in sight, cutter outfit better mood, better lighting: Bathroom light off glasses off I look cute as hell Light on glasses on still really cute keep staring at my stable

Makeup on lower half of face, not covering my bags, forehead acne etc. I look like I rimmed someone who was sitting in mud from the differentiation in color but fuck I look so amazing like thats me! And she's beautiful

Conclusions fuck fuck fuck fuck

Nov 13

Shaved and put makeup on at the same time. Didn't want to experiment. I went to goodwill and shopped in the woman's section for the first time. Felt really good the whole time. Some imposter syndrome thoughts i had:

• Am I doing this for attention

• Was the facial hair suggestion hyper informing my conclusions (i.e. no control group)

Thought alot about past

• Ms greaneys classroom, jealous of Zidane

• I had to ware a skirt for a class assignment in 6th grade really liked it but no massive impact

• Episodes of rage

Nov 14

Gonna try and go masc all day

Thinking that maybe my euphoria comes from a sense of freedom and from fully rejecting the cursed ideologies I was raised with, or is it something deeper? As I continue to chew on it I get more nervous and anxious that I am wrong

Things feel so clear, the tempest is calmed and I can be free but then I try and be a man and it just gives me a knot in my tummy

I always had issues with the idea of stright passing

Walking on the street i have a song in my head a smile on my face and the urge to say good morning to everyone I see. I feel really good and happy and feminine even tho I'm dressed like a schlebby guy. I have the thought that if I saw myself it'd ruin the vibe

Sitting in this Cafe i really wish I was fem presenting

In male groups of friends I've always felt like I would've preferred them 1on1 and kinda would always grow to hate the dynamic in the group.

Welp I failed. I came home and put on a cute blouse I bought at goodwill the other day and some tights. I dont think ill shave because I'm feeling lazy. While I like the way I look right now I know I could love it 2x more if I covered my stubble. I just keep the light off in the bathroom so I can't make it out and that seems to work

Ok mission failed again im sipping a rum coke with a full face of makeup on presenting fem at the 2nd worst bar in corvallis, listening to country music about guys who like girls with big titties.

Fuck I got 15 looks when I walked in but nobody paid me no mind and I didn't really care either. Like I am on top of the world

Fuck!

Nov 15

Ok gonna try and do the whole day masc again, no shaving wish me luck

Saw myself in a mirror at work I like my hair, its got split ends is damaged to high hell but its my hair and it looks so good. My facial hair is at 20 hrs old and it looks fine. I can feel it tho

Ok a bit of dysphoria here. I was invited to a ritzy wine bar in Albany. I kinda feel like I have to dress up a bit and the thought of putting on a collard shirt really made me feel odd, panicky, knot in stomach. I put on a nicer jacket and kept the blue jeans I was wearing at work, I looked so goofy and strange in the mirror. Then I kinda got frustrated.

Watching a woman walk to her car in a really pretty jacket some cute boots and stright pair of jeans, gosh I wish I could be her

Im sitting in my car not angry or anything looking at the beautiful fall colors, and I wanna cry. Like im fine but I just really feel the need to cry.

I wish I could do like a head to head fashion try on. You know like only well fitting flattering things and see what I actually like

Sitting in this bar before the others get her i feel awkward just like usual. I wonder if I was presenting fem if I would feel this way. No it wouldn't it'd feel better.

Went to the bathroom at the place and looked at myself in the mirror it was hung low so I looked really tall. Kinda thought I looked good even thought I hated the pants and shirt and facial hair.

Made it home: I can really my facial hair right now, like it's itchy and I want it off. Not going to shave till the morning so I can have a nicer face to put makeup on.

I don't want this, why am I like this, I just want to drink and drink and drink and never have to think about it again. Why do I have to think about this. Why God. Why would you give me this. Its exhausting. I just can't do it any more. I have tasted the fruit and want to gorge myself. I just want to be free. Please let me be free.

Nov 16

I shaved this morning before I was just angry and itchy, now I feel better but I really wish I could be a girl right now in class. Like I just thought about going home and getting into girl mode and it made me actually excited like when I had Legos as a kid I wanted to play with em

It is a really sunny and nice day, I just want to ware a dress damnit. I am gonna have to shave my whole body and legs today

Oh shit I just talked over a girl in my class. She gave a look with this smile that could cut steel and just said I know after I shouted an answer about an isentropic process. Like I want to melt and die right now, any time a girl seems to get mad at me I just fucking melt. I'vd had all of one conversation with her but I want her to like me soooooo bad.

All the sudden im sitting here and feel like the entire room hates me, I really just want to leave but we have 30 more min of class. Like I can really feel my gut and I cant stop shaking. I think its from my inhaler, anxiety is a side effect but its never felt this bad

Talked to that girl after class she didn't think that at all

Went home got in girl mode immediately makeup lower half no immediate euphoria, lots of work to do

5 o'clock looked at myself again, I look cute no euphoria no dysphoria

Might go to goodwill again some euphoria