I don't know who I am.
I don't even know what I am
I mean I can list the things that I do know
I am a human
I am a member of my family
I am an American and an Oregonian
I am an engineer
I am a beautiful........ I think
I know
I have spent my whole life feeling cretinous and otherly
feeling like a goddamned alien
like a foreigner in the arms of my own mother?
I can hear her heart beat
and hear voice through her lungs as she talks on the phone to her sister
the specific words are fleeting but I can feel the power of her voice
I can feel its warmth as she breaths in and out I know she is alive and real
but am I?
My boyfriend --- the first man I am not related to I truly loved --- has a chest that I can't ignore. He was never the most broad chested or masculine but I know he was real --- and was mine --- for a moment
I don't feel like a woman. I certainly don't feel like a man.
I want to be a woman --- at least presentationally --- go by my name and my pronouns
see myself (sans facial and body hair) in the mirror.
My desired presentation is not effeminate but feminine in almost every way. and in those not ~feminine~ still coded as such. The flesh I once occupied has no desire to me now, there is nothing about my previous ""gender"" that I wish to keep. Nothing.
Yet I don't feel like a woman.
I want to be a woman.
I want to smell like a woman.
I want to sound and appear as a woman.
My current presentation feels hallow, opaque, and like an uninformed machination
---
who am I
---
this fundamental yet hopelessly complex question plagues me. How the hell am I supposed to know.
I don't even miss him that much. Like sure I wish he was here and that we could snicker, with confide in, and by one together but I am not anywhere as bad as I used to be.
Maybe feeling like a woman will come in time. The only reason I feel sans gender is that I get to exist as a gender that feels aprapo and thus I can forget the horrendous burden previously I subjected myself to.
Righteous
my existence is
Righteous