A Cross Examination
Recently I have been aggressively moving into a public feminin presentation. While it does not convince anyone, it has been fucking incredible. The things that I have noticed in myself, the confidence I have gained, and the serenity of my soul while doing it have made me feel in ways I have never been able to feel. Honestly if it was no big deal I would probably present feminine in most if not all of my life right now. In the last three weeks I have gone from fully closeted to drinking at the 2nd scuzziest bar in corvallis, picking up prescriptions, thrift shopping, and going walks while presenting some kind of fem. I find myself not wanting to go back to my masc presentations, it feels burdensome and restrictive, although I of course can and do and can still feel happy and chipper (as long as I don't look at a reflective surface, not a problem I have when presenting fem). Oh my god I want to go to work presenting fem, I want to go to my therapist's office and friend's houses and grocery stores presenting fem! I really really want to! It has been three weeks of public presentations. Three exciting and amazing weeks.
BUT
High transients are the definition of instabilities and if I want to make a decision that could change everything about my life I need to be confident, very confident that the feminin presentation, a transgender label, or any other required alteration to how I define myself in the world is a long term thing. This process should take a long time. What scares me is I am now daydreaming and actual dreaming of a whole ass social transition.....after three weeks. That's too fast.
Obviously I have found a best fit from my false minimum, a greener pasture that I can exist in, but questions remain about how difficult it actually is to get to that pasture. Also, not to beat a dead analogy: how do the seasons effect this new pasture, new environments, new stressors that are unforeseen are all unknown at this junction and need to be considered
It is mission critical that I maintain financial and emotional independence. I cannot and will not, allow myself to sacrifice my security and safety for any amount of joy.
To be trans statistically means to be poorer, sicker, angrier, and have an overall declination in quality of life as well as potentially requiring massive interventions to regain comfort. It has implications to my social, professional, sexual, financial, romantic, familial, and political life and should only be done with incredible care and deliberate decisions. I don't think I can go back to being 100% masc at this point (not that I have really tired) but if I can it might be the best thing to do to avoid these threats to my stability.
The rate at which I seem to be carelessly waltzing past any and all structural guidance on this entire journey of self discovery has made my cautious-self want to vomit from motion sickness. Everytime I have made an estimation about how far I think I will go... or should go, I effervescently dance past. I need to take care to stop doing that.
The clock seems to be ticking on this tho. To be masc at this point is no longer the path of least resistance. Fissures have been identified that are tectonically reshaping my reality as we speak. I like being a woman and I have seen how the other half live. My days as a man are probably numbered. Hatches must be psychologically battened down as we stare down this rifle of reflection that'll rocket us into that grand new pasture. For in the end I want and deserve freedom. But I must take care to ensure prudence and caution when seeking it.
So I guess I end up with two questions:
Am I trans: probably
Do I need to transition: I don't know yet but if the gradient is taken into effect: probably
The issue does not come from those answers but from what I need to actualize in this plane of existence to fulfil the needs they demand of me. What either of those things look like right now is completely unknown. But they do seem to be here to stay.
Lmao I only want to leave my home as a woman these days